Thursday, October 9, 2008

Why "Good Enough Mama" nor I are the World's Worst Moms!

The great Good Enough Mama wrote a fabulous entry about how she was the world's worst mom. She called out to all who read it to share the reasons they might be the worst mom. Well, I love a challenge. But for the sake of not incriminating myself, and to avoid having someone call social services toot sweet on me, I decided to totally rip off Good Enough Mama's entry, and simply comment and commiserate. I hope this is ok with her, and if not, please let me know Good Enough Mama! So, here goes.

Good Enough Mama's comments are italicized and mine are bold, in case you couldn't figure that out!

1. Tonight, after removing them from the oven, I dropped Little Man’s chicken buddies on the kitchen floor as I attempted (stupidly) to transfer them to his plate. I glanced quickly (after gasping, albeit quietly, “Oh, shit!) into the family room, saw that he hadn’t noticed, and bent down to retrieve the buddies. Blowing on them to remove the dust/rotting food particles/hairs/critters, I started to sing the theme song to Leave It To Beaver and promptly tossed them on his plate. Crisis averted, I actually had the nerve to congratulate myself on a job well done.

Job well done indeed! What the heck? Were you going to waste those precious nuggets? And clearly any questionable matter that be might stuck to them is matter that is already in your house and that your son is used to, so thusly he will not get sick from it! At this point in time, I can't recall a food dropping episode, but if I did, I would do exactly what you did. I have given him stale food, because he wanted it real bad and we didn't have anything else he wanted. I suppose that may be on the same level!

2. When people (mostly those who read about my life here) tell me that I’m doing a great job with Little Man and that I shouldn't’t be so hard on myself, I actually accept their kind words. I put my shoulders back a little, tousle my hair, and smugly smile, all the while thinking, Holy shit, I really DO have people fooled. It’s a good thing they don’t know what I’m really like as a mom.

Oh my God, can I relate! I have gotten comments that embarrass me inside that are complimentary, and yet so wrong! But ya know what, you have to think, maybe others see something I don't, maybe I'm not giving myself credit. Maybe I am super! Maybe I should win an Oscar for making these people think I'm fabulous! And that's ok!

3. I often bitch and complain about my life as a wife and mom. I do it in front of my kid. I regret it instantly, but still. I bitch. For example, I’m so SICK of this crap! I can’t take it any more. I am SO DONE with this life. I am losing my FREAKING mind! Yeah, you might want to consider it carefully before you call me June Cleaver again. I’m so much more Roseanne than June. Sad, but true.

I often fear the mental scarring I have incurred upon my child due to my bitching sessions in front of him. I have found myself yelling so much he felt it necessary with his Autistic, developmentally delayed mind to say "It's ok mommy! It will be alright!". I AM A BITCH!

4. I trick my kid into thinking that chores are fun. A lot. Hey, buddy! Want to help mommy with the laundry again? It’s your lucky day…… I’ll let you push the buttons AND pour in the detergent…

Honestly, I can't empathize with you here because this is nothing but brilliant, nothing wrong with it. So you're playing on his naivety a little, what parent doesn't do that? I am the worst because I make my son do nothing much to my husband's chagrin, and someday he will make a miserable boyfriend and husband thanks to me!

5. I tell Little Man that he has 5 minutes left of television time, then let another hour slip by, just because I’m enjoying the peace and the time at my computer. He is going to be up a fecking creek when it comes time to learn how to read a clock in school. Or is it ME who will be up the creek? Who am I kidding? It’s SO going to be me.

I can't say anything about this is justifiable, other than you get some quiet time out of it, which is rightly yours. I have found myself saying "5 more minutes Case!" for an hour at a time myself, but I usually try to think the 5 minutes isn't up, thus, I'm not the bad one!

6. I spit on my hand and smooth out Little Man’s hair when we’re going out. If he gets canker sores on his scalp, I’m so at fault.

Uh, gross, but necessary. Casey has too much hair for this method to be effective but I have had to take so many other gross and drastic measures in order to fix problems, so this too is relatable. I won't go into any of them directly, but let's just say because of one incident, I always carry around a little portable roll of toilet paper with us, and that's all's I'm sayin'!

7. I say “maybe” a lot, when I really mean “no,” but it’s just easier using the “maybe” clause in order to get out of a jam. I’m all about avoiding the tantrums and conflict. I think he’s on to me, though. Lately when I say “maybe,” Little Man follows it up with this retort: Mommy! Just say yes or no. It’s not hard. I need to know the truth.

This is not bad, this gives him hope, false hope, but hope.....

8. Sometimes I wish Little Man were “Normal.” Even for a day or two, just so I could see what it’s like to have a “Normal” kid. I’m so betting it would be a piece of cake. Cake with icing. Lots and lots of icing.

Well, anyone who has a special needs kid and says they have never wished that either are saintly, or are bullshittin' everyone big time. How can you not wonder what it's like, especially if you don't have any other kids like myself? I have to say though, that many a time, I have been around "typical" children, and they make me very grateful for my little doll, despite his foible's.

9. I feed my kid fast food several times per week. Like, almost once a day. He’s probably addicted. He’s probably going to be the next Super Size Me dooood. Feck. More therapy.

YOU are very brave to admit this, and I can tell you, so do a lot of people. LIKE ME! I consider a day without fast food a health break for Case. Casey is picky, and I want him to eat, and I don't go by the notion of "Well, if he's hungry, he'll eat at home eventually!" I don't have time for that crap! I figure, if he eats out without fries, we're doing good! You, and I'll repeat it, are brave!

10. Sometimes I forget to care that I’m raising a child who will, as a result of my shiteous mothering, require more therapy than one family could ever hope to afford. Ok, maybe “forget” is a strong word. Let’s say I let it slip my mind, temporarily.

Ah, be not afraid my child! I have seen children of mother's who have done every GD therapy in the book, and the kid is never "better", and I've seen kids whose mom sorta went with the flow and did what they could, and often, they have turned out the best they can. You can only do so least, that's what I've started telling myself.

11. Apparently, I let my son put plastic bags on his head. Also apparent is the fact that instead of removing the plastic bag and scolding him because it, like, could KILL him or something, I grabbed my camera and recorded the moment for future dramatic courtroom evidence posterity. Or future blackmail.

This is weird but funny, and I enjoyed the photo! Hey, I used to let Casey pull his testicle out as far as he could in the tub while I read to him! Not now, it's extra weird now! I never took photos though, that would have been disturbing!

12. There are way more reasons that I might be the world’s worst mother, but I’m too embarrassed to share them here.
Here’s where you come in: I need you to give me some reasons that YOU might be The World’s Worst Mother. If you can’t think of anything, make something up. You’re doing it to help a friend, namely, ME. Take one for the team, sports. Take one for the team.

Thanks for sharing your relatable, funny, and sometimes gross entry! I applaud you! And thanks for letting me use it without asking. Please don't sue me, I don't have any money!

There ya go folks, I think most everyone can relate to something in here, and if not, then you're the WORST MOM IN THE WORLD for not admitting any of it! Takes the pressure off of us huh Good Enough Mama?!